I am living in a constant state of restlessness.

Forcing myself to stand still while my entire body screams for action. Blaming the winter season, the heavy mood in the house, my father’s death anniversary and his birthday (he would have been 75 this year). Blaming the calm at work, the damn consistent routine I’ve built around my body.

Forcing myself to stand still is taking a bit of soul, regardless of how important it is in the long run. It’s daily chipping way at me. Daily.

My jaw is tense. My face is covered in pimples. Cold sores are flaring at a worrisome pace. Even my books feel dull and grey. I can’t seem to enter a fantasy world, and the only thing saving me is Heated Rivalry (thank the gods). It’s as if my mind is refusing to let me dissociate. My warm blanket, the one I’ve used daily for the last three years, has reached its limit. I am warm enough now. I want to kick it off, stand in the cold, and leave.

At the same time, my body has never been healthier. I am the strongest I’ve been in probably twenty years. My protein intake is high, my gym routine is spotless, my weight is slowly but steadily going down, my vitamins are in order, I sleep a rigorous seven hours a night… It’s ironic, really.

So I keep repeating the same mantra: I just need to push through. It’s going to be fine, just push through. It’s February, it’s winter. Do not think, just push through.