writing

  • Old wounds

    Duran Duran – Come Undone The song that opened the gates to more unprocessed childhood trauma. Eventually, one day in my life I will get to the bottom of it. I will process everything that happened and stop crying about it. But today is not that day, it seems. This lovely show from the 90s…

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  • Restlessness

    I am living in a constant state of restlessness. Forcing myself to stand still while my entire body screams for action. Blaming the winter season, the heavy mood in the house, my father’s death anniversary and his birthday (he would have been 75 this year). Blaming the calm at work, the damn consistent routine I’ve…

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  • Uncomfortable sadness.

    Trying to pour out sadness is sometimes a useless exercise. Like most things in life, the only way to get rid of it is to experience it. To let it be, until it stops being. However sadness is uncomfortable. For us and for the others. Others should have nothing to do with our sadness. Unfortunately,…

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  • Anxiety

    What happens when I don’t write for more than eight days. I feel disconnected from my story, like I’m looking at it from the outside, through fogged glass; seeing only mist where there used to be the purple skies of Stellaris. I hate it. And at the same time, I know I’m doing the best…

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  • Out of the confort zone

    I hate it with all my being — the waiting, the buildup, the excruciating preparation. The more space I give it in my head, the bigger and uglier it becomes. So I try to downplay it. I tell myself it’s not a big thing, that it’s fine. But then the anxiety settles in anyway, staying…

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  • Premonitions

    I would not call it exactly a premonition, but sometimes I know, somewhere in my gut, that certain things are going to happen. I knew the day my mother tried to kill herself. I was at the bottom of the stairs, all dressed up to have my birthday lunch with my father, and when she…

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  • Scotland

    A part of my soul resides in Scotland, it’s now my belief. After another 5 days of driving in the Highlands, I can confirm this will not be the last time I do it. Actually, this was the second time of many that will follow. It is unclear at this point whether it is the…

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  • Soulful lines

    There’s nothing more life-consuming than an idea when you only have one.It’s scary, really, the time you spend thinking about the same thing over and over again until there’s nothing else.

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  • I did it…

    …I have officially two (almost completed) books in the plotboard. The process was less than seamless, but as always in my life, I’ve discovered my exact mix between extreme organization and intuition. Meaning, the two steps back I took after half a book written (only by gut feeling), was the correct thing to do. Now…

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  • Soulful Lines

    And then I sit here, in the garden of my childhood house, and I cannot tell anymore what kind of person I would be if my father were still alive.More confounding yet, I’m not sure if I could give it up for just one more day with him anymore. I used to think that; that…

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