She died a thousand deaths before she was ready to assume defeat.
For people like her, who never surrender, dying means nothing; it simply means you must keep trying, keep pushing.
It took her so long to accept that sometimes death is not defeat, it’s a blessing. And you can choose it for yourself, even if nobody else understands.
For all the years that she died slowly, day after day, with a smile on her face, a disguise in her thoughts, she was nearing the end. An end that she did not even realize, but now seems unavoidable every day.
It probably still doesn’t make sense, and it has no reason other than that it is what she wants. And that is reason enough.
Death is not always the end; it’s just the end of life as you know it, and nobody knows what comes next.
Perhaps she will regret it, perhaps she will rejoice, or perhaps she will never think about it again. The future is unknown for a reason, but she cannot continue to die slowly every day. It’s becoming unbearable, and it will reach a point of no return; she feels it building, I know it. She knows she will break; she is so aware of it that it is nearly shocking.
So she decided to let me write this for her, bleed herself on the keyboard to keep on going for just another day. And I know she will make it, she always does. The great martyr, the one who accepts the unacceptable, she who keeps going when all the others would have already given up.
I keep telling her that it’s just her ego; she wants to be the only one on that battlefield, gun in hand, exhausted beyond all human strength but still standing. She will die to save others, but not to save herself, and I have to be the one to tell her that that is not good enough. I am sorry, but it’s just not good enough.
I won’t accept it anymore. So I want you to kill it, pick all that strength I know you have, wrap up the last loose strings, and please just kill it before it kills you. Life is too short, you already know that. Stop hesitating, stop doubting, stop being afraid. Take me out of my misery and have faith. All will be alright.